I’ve never had a relationship I was fully happy in. Even the
one that everyone thought I won the lottery and the guy was all I wanted. I
never wanted that relationship. I found myself in it and it got too serious too
quickly for me to get out without hurting anyone so I stuck with it. Was I
happy? No.
Am I ever happy in a relationship? No.
Why?
It’s not who I am. I am not a person who is prepared to
compromise, to share half my life with the other person. I don’t get lonely. I
am lucky enough to have enough people around me to not be lonely, ever. Yes I
know, friends change, friends come and go, family stays but one day they may
not be around. I am lucky enough to be happy spending time on my own and being
on my own. I am happy with my writing, with my art and photography. They are my
friends I can always count on, they are my lovers that are always fulfilling.
I like my own space, my own choices, I like going my own
ways and make my own paths without much of consultation with anyone else. My life,
my decisions, my lessons. Maybe it is how I’ve been brought up but that is not
a bad thing. I don’t know why everyone thinks it is a bad thing.
My goal in life is not to find the perfect man or woman to
share a life with.
My goal is to live off grid, on my own rules. Perfect home
for me is not to have an expensive house with four cars and three children. My
perfect home is a caravan that I can live in, take around the world and have
enough money to not need anything but not have excess of anything. To be able
to afford little pleasures in life and be able to buy a ticket to another
country, have enough skill and knowledge to be able to make that kind of money
to afford those things. I don’t need someone to talk to 24/7. Actually, I am
quite the opposite. My favourite thing to do is to lock my door, find some
weird music and turn up the volume, sit on the floor, have a smoke, close my
eyes and imagine all the beautiful things I can create using my imagination and
creativeness.
However, that doesn’t mean that is all I want to do. I
always say I’m the perfect mixture of an introvert and extrovert and I am fully
comfortable with that. 50/50. I am happy
to meet up for coffees and drinks, go out and get absolutely disgustingly drunk
and do silly things but then there is nothing more pleasing then shutting
myself out from the world. I know myself well enough to be completely aware of
this contrast and be comfortable with this balance of the two extremes.
I don’t need looking after. I don’t need saving. I don’t need your attention. I don’t need fixing. Stop trying to fix me. Stop trying to help. There is nothing to help with. I am happy being me.
I genuinely don’t need anyone. My family, some of my friends
still don’t understand that I am not like them. Creating a family, a home with
someone is not what I need or want, is not my life’s interest or goal. It will
not change anytime soon.
There are too many beautiful things and beautiful people in
this world to not explore fully before I can even start to think about sharing
it with someone else. The development of social media and accessibility of the
outside world, and the people has only made it easier to not feel lonely, still
feel involved but do your own thing. You want to know what I’ve been up to?
Look at my facebook or instagram. I like my experiences to myself, and anything
worth sharing is already out there. It’s just easier to update everyone
altogether than send the same photos in different message boxes. Social media
is there for a reason.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate people in my life. Those
who I’ve let in and who have chosen to stay, I love most in this world. My dad,
mum and brother, grandparents and my nan, my all my friends, those who are the
closest and see often and those who are quite far. If you’ve been with me
through the shit and through the highs, then you are the person I love most in
this world, and I would do everything I could to help, to be there for you, to
not let you down in anyway. Even if it costs me own time, money and health to
do so. You’re worth it because you make an effort for me. How? You are there
for me, you respect me and you gift me with your time. It’s enough.
However, back to romantic relationships…. Well. I am just
not happy with the whole label thing, I really don’t like labels. As much on
clothing as in life. I also never needed and still don’t need one and only
partner to spend time with and share a bed with for God knows how long.
